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Friday, December 03, 2004

i cant tell you how to make it go

I'm doing it again.

Oh my god, I'm doing it again.

I promised myself I would hold her like sand in my hand.

Instead, I hold her as if she would disappear, clutching and clawing at her as if she was oxygen to my drowning soul, like holding a small bird too tightly in my hand.

Sooner or later, if I don't loosen my grip, this precious life will die...along with my dreams.

And I will be left empty again.

She's always there. I say hi. She says hello. I ask her how she is. She tells me she's going crazy over her thesis. I tell her I miss her. She asks me about the rain.

Inch by inch, closer and closer I squeeze into her every moment...and I am afraid that if I don't stop, I might smother her.

It's so humiliating to be the only person on earth who does the same mistake twice. The excuse 'I'm only human' is just that...an excuse. An excuse to rationalize my ongoing habit of grasping for love instead of slowly reaching out a hand so that it might find a place to rest.

He says I'm blowing things out of proportion. So she ignores you for one day, what's the worse that could happen? So what if you texted, Yahoo! messaged, and Ragnarok PM'd her in just one day? It's not like its stalking or agressiveness or anything. It's coincidence.

Shyeah, coming from a guy whose motto is 'everything happens for a reason'.

A horny guy once said that there's no such thing as a mistake. There are just things that you do...and things you don't do. Right now...I'm wishing I didn't do it.

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