It's been two weeks since the day. As we speak I'm nursing a sore throat and dry cough from the stressful seminars and stuff, all to take my mind from what happened.
It still doesn't help. Every time I open my Friendster I see her face, under the 'Who's visited me' tab in my home page, with her picture looking at me with the smile that used to be mine. The 'Single' option in her profile has been changed into 'In a relationship', confirming the fears I've had for the whole week. That she isn't coming back.
Since then, I've been nursing an emotion in my brain and in my heart, part anger and part grief, that's been tearing me apart. Every night I keep seeing the face of her new love, laughing at my face for failing to keep her happy. Once in a while I hear her voice, reminding me of the good times we had...the times that will probably never happen again.
It's funny to hear someone tell you they're not ready to have a relationship with you, but become super ready for it with someone else. It's also sad to realize that kung sino pa yung sincere, sya pa ang talo. While everything the other guy had to do was to wait for me to slip up. Ah, the facts of life.
Bear in mind, dear reader, that this isn't a plea for a second chance, or a rant at the ineffectivity of my sincerity to her heart. I'm way too old for that. Which is probably one reason I'm without her touch right now.
So now I'm faced with a choice, a choice I've been making since the Kat incident: to hold on to her, even if it's so very painful, or to systematically erase every trace of her from my life, and be in more pain than I could ever possibly imagine.
Whatever the choice, I still lose.